Cold
November 3. Friday night. Starbucks. My bf (now ex), Ken* broke up with me.
The Early Signs.
Ken was cold a week before. He was not sending me text messages anymore. He ended our conversations abruptly. He wasn't saying "i love you" anymore. It was during our org's Halloween Party at a friend's place that I felt there was something really bothering him.
We didn't go to the party together. I got there first. When he finally came, i hugged him so tight. He hugged me back. He sat on the sofa and made chit-chats with our friends. I sat beside him asking him if he wanted anything. All this time, he kept ignoring me. I took pictures of us together but he didn't look at the camera. He stayed away from me as much as possible. But he hugged me before we went home, separately. Still, no 'i love yous'.
The next day, being my sweet and perky self, I greeted him through text. His replies were one-word answers. I asked him why was he so cold. He said he was probably just busy and stressed.
"Don't stress yourself too much ha. That's what you always tell me. :-)", I said.
"I will. Thanks mims", he replied.
"I wanna say something pa! ikaw may sasabihin ka pa ba?", i asked.
"wala na. Ano yun?", he replied.
Saddened by his reply, i just typed: "ok... I love you, ___"
The Week After.
Monday, October 30. It was raining. My mum didn't go to the office so I took the LRT on the way to work. I slipped and fell off the LRT stairs and thought I broke my spine. Haha! But i was suffering from extreme low back pain. Still no text messages from him. I tried my best not to text him because I was giving him time alone. Finally, he did text in the afternoon: " kamusta ka na, mims? busy?". I just told him about the accident and he told me to always be careful and take care of myself. Conversation ended. Still, no i love yous.
That night, he sent me another message again. Message of concerns that I should be careful, text him when i get home, etc. Then later in the evening, he told me thru text: "We need to talk."
Of all the people.
November 3. Friday. Starbucks.
I saw Ken and kissed him on his left cheek. I gave him brownies, which i baked, as my peace offering. He put it in the table and said "Thanks". (This has been my practice - giving him peace offerings; chocolates, yema; choc nut, etc. - everytime we're working out our differences). But I thought this night would be special, that's why I even baked brownies for him.
He asked me what i wanted to tell him. and that I should tell everything. Below is our conversation (as far as I can remember):
ME: Wala lang. Everytime we're trying to work things out, nag-aaway pa rin tayo. hindi ko alam kung ano yung problema.
Ken: Anu pa?
M: (had a feeling he was gonna break up with me) wala na, yun lang.
K: I'm not ready for this. Can we talk tomorrow?
M: No, gusto ko ngayon na.
K: I wrote everything I wanted to say in a letter. (Handed me the letter).
M: (Letter was 2 pages long, single spaced. I was scanning it fast and was trying to look for a sentence which says he wanted to break up with me).
K: Mims, please read from the start.
Ken said in his letter that he would always remember and cherish the moments that we shared. He enjoyed every single moment he spent with me. He hated cheating while in a relationship. (I couldn't remember a lot of what he had written since I chose to forget all of it).
When I reached the second paragraph, all I could remember were these statements:
"I don't see us working out in the future"
"It's just that I don't love you anymore"
"I fell in love with someone else"
I stopped reading and gave back to him the letter.
On the side: The Hunch
Before Ken and I talked that night, Guy Friend (the bestfriend of Ken), who was in Iloilo during this time, was seeking my advice since he was having problems with his girlfriend. Timely, my Ken and I were also having problems.
Guy Friend confided that he was having trouble sleeping for the past week. He then admitted that his girlfriend told him she's in love with somebody else. Somehow, I felt She might be inlove with Ken. But I disregarded it since She is a good friend of mine and Ken is the bestfriend of Guy Friend.
Guy Friend and I exchanged text messages of support during this rough period of time.
Of all the people. (Cont...)
ME: Si (Guy Friend's girlfriend) yan no?
KEN: Quiet
M: Si (Guy Friend's girlfriend) yan no?
K: yes
Ken "fell in love" with his bestfriend's girlfriend.
At that moment, it didn't sink in that Ken was breaking up with me because I was thinking of his bestfriend. I was thinking how could he do this to his bestfriend? They've been supportive of each other ever since college freshman years, probably since LPEP.
I couldn't remember if I cursed at him but I said "Gusto kong mamatay ka na ngayon!". I went ballistic, devastated of how Guy Friend would feel if he finds out that his bestfriend, Ken, just actually stabbed him in the back. I rummaged through my bag to get my cellphone, "I'm sorry Ken pero I have to do this. I'm gonna call your bestfriend now and tell him this."
"Mims, please don't do it."
"I have to! I really have to! do you have any idea kung ano pinagdadaanan nya ngayon? Ilang araw na kami magkatext dahil pino-problema nya to! Tapos ikaw ganyan ka? ang sama mo!"
"Mims please. Hayaan natin sila ang mag usap ni _____"
Funny. Guy Friend just sent a text message: "Mims, nag-usap na kayo ni Ken? Kinakabahan na ko."
I showed his text message to Ken, "Oh, ayan ang bestfriend mo. Ano isasagot ko?"
"Wag ka nalang magreply, please,"
"Hindi ako ganun! Pag may nagtetext sa kin, nagrereply ako!"
"Mims please. Hayaan natin sila mag-usap ng girlfriend nya".
"We didn't talk eh. Something came up. Balitaan nalang kita". Sent it to Guy Friend.
I lost my senses during that talk. I did not know what to do, what to think, what to say. I sent text messages to some friends telling them of what just happened to us.
When I finally regained 'consciousness', I looked at Ken and smiled at him. Being my perky self, I reached my right hand to his and said, "Hi, I'm Mims. What's your name?". Schizo, I know. But I felt like the "break up talk" never happened and that I was just probably hallucinating.
He started crying when I did this. He held my hand, squeezed it so tight with his sweaty palms. I was trying to pull out my hand. But he wasn't letting me go. I got the brownies I baked, put it in my back so he wouldn't see and told him, "I have something for you... Brownies!" Just like the old days when we talk after a petty fight. "i want you to take a bite, I baked that myself. It's special".
"I'll eat it later", his eyes watery, voice trembling.
"No, I wanna see you grab a bite now"
He took a piece, put it in his mouth, his tears started to fall. I handed him a tissue and he wiped off his tears.
I was just looking at him. Smiling.
He faced me and pulled me towards him and whispered, "Gusto kita yakapin, Mims". And being my usual self when Ken does that, I said "I don't like, dami tao. Hehehe".
I asked him if he wanted to go home already, he said "yes, i better go na". I wanted to walk with him but the mrt station was a bit too far so I decided not to. It's just too far. Before we parted, he told me, "I'll miss you, Mims".
"Ha? Bakit? San ba ko pupunta?"
"You know what I mean. I'll really miss you."
"Ha? Para naman hindi mo na ko makikita"
Laughs. Laughs. Looking at each other's eyes.
"When can I see you again, Ken?", I asked.
"Depends when you want to see me".
"Can we still watch movies together?"
"Sure."
"Ok, you better go na. Bye."
We hugged each other so tight. Ken hugged me for almost 10 to 15 seconds.. kind of like the last hug he'd ever give me. I pointed my right cheek and he kissed me. He said goodbye. I went back to Starbucks to wait for my mum. No more looking at each other from afar. No more waving of goodbyes. And most of all, no more blowing of i love yous in the air.
He's happy right now, I know. And i'm left alone and cold.
The Early Signs.
Ken was cold a week before. He was not sending me text messages anymore. He ended our conversations abruptly. He wasn't saying "i love you" anymore. It was during our org's Halloween Party at a friend's place that I felt there was something really bothering him.
We didn't go to the party together. I got there first. When he finally came, i hugged him so tight. He hugged me back. He sat on the sofa and made chit-chats with our friends. I sat beside him asking him if he wanted anything. All this time, he kept ignoring me. I took pictures of us together but he didn't look at the camera. He stayed away from me as much as possible. But he hugged me before we went home, separately. Still, no 'i love yous'.
The next day, being my sweet and perky self, I greeted him through text. His replies were one-word answers. I asked him why was he so cold. He said he was probably just busy and stressed.
"Don't stress yourself too much ha. That's what you always tell me. :-)", I said.
"I will. Thanks mims", he replied.
"I wanna say something pa! ikaw may sasabihin ka pa ba?", i asked.
"wala na. Ano yun?", he replied.
Saddened by his reply, i just typed: "ok... I love you, ___"
The Week After.
Monday, October 30. It was raining. My mum didn't go to the office so I took the LRT on the way to work. I slipped and fell off the LRT stairs and thought I broke my spine. Haha! But i was suffering from extreme low back pain. Still no text messages from him. I tried my best not to text him because I was giving him time alone. Finally, he did text in the afternoon: " kamusta ka na, mims? busy?". I just told him about the accident and he told me to always be careful and take care of myself. Conversation ended. Still, no i love yous.
That night, he sent me another message again. Message of concerns that I should be careful, text him when i get home, etc. Then later in the evening, he told me thru text: "We need to talk."
Of all the people.
November 3. Friday. Starbucks.
I saw Ken and kissed him on his left cheek. I gave him brownies, which i baked, as my peace offering. He put it in the table and said "Thanks". (This has been my practice - giving him peace offerings; chocolates, yema; choc nut, etc. - everytime we're working out our differences). But I thought this night would be special, that's why I even baked brownies for him.
He asked me what i wanted to tell him. and that I should tell everything. Below is our conversation (as far as I can remember):
ME: Wala lang. Everytime we're trying to work things out, nag-aaway pa rin tayo. hindi ko alam kung ano yung problema.
Ken: Anu pa?
M: (had a feeling he was gonna break up with me) wala na, yun lang.
K: I'm not ready for this. Can we talk tomorrow?
M: No, gusto ko ngayon na.
K: I wrote everything I wanted to say in a letter. (Handed me the letter).
M: (Letter was 2 pages long, single spaced. I was scanning it fast and was trying to look for a sentence which says he wanted to break up with me).
K: Mims, please read from the start.
Ken said in his letter that he would always remember and cherish the moments that we shared. He enjoyed every single moment he spent with me. He hated cheating while in a relationship. (I couldn't remember a lot of what he had written since I chose to forget all of it).
When I reached the second paragraph, all I could remember were these statements:
"I don't see us working out in the future"
"It's just that I don't love you anymore"
"I fell in love with someone else"
I stopped reading and gave back to him the letter.
On the side: The Hunch
Before Ken and I talked that night, Guy Friend (the bestfriend of Ken), who was in Iloilo during this time, was seeking my advice since he was having problems with his girlfriend. Timely, my Ken and I were also having problems.
Guy Friend confided that he was having trouble sleeping for the past week. He then admitted that his girlfriend told him she's in love with somebody else. Somehow, I felt She might be inlove with Ken. But I disregarded it since She is a good friend of mine and Ken is the bestfriend of Guy Friend.
Guy Friend and I exchanged text messages of support during this rough period of time.
Of all the people. (Cont...)
ME: Si (Guy Friend's girlfriend) yan no?
KEN: Quiet
M: Si (Guy Friend's girlfriend) yan no?
K: yes
Ken "fell in love" with his bestfriend's girlfriend.
At that moment, it didn't sink in that Ken was breaking up with me because I was thinking of his bestfriend. I was thinking how could he do this to his bestfriend? They've been supportive of each other ever since college freshman years, probably since LPEP.
I couldn't remember if I cursed at him but I said "Gusto kong mamatay ka na ngayon!". I went ballistic, devastated of how Guy Friend would feel if he finds out that his bestfriend, Ken, just actually stabbed him in the back. I rummaged through my bag to get my cellphone, "I'm sorry Ken pero I have to do this. I'm gonna call your bestfriend now and tell him this."
"Mims, please don't do it."
"I have to! I really have to! do you have any idea kung ano pinagdadaanan nya ngayon? Ilang araw na kami magkatext dahil pino-problema nya to! Tapos ikaw ganyan ka? ang sama mo!"
"Mims please. Hayaan natin sila ang mag usap ni _____"
Funny. Guy Friend just sent a text message: "Mims, nag-usap na kayo ni Ken? Kinakabahan na ko."
I showed his text message to Ken, "Oh, ayan ang bestfriend mo. Ano isasagot ko?"
"Wag ka nalang magreply, please,"
"Hindi ako ganun! Pag may nagtetext sa kin, nagrereply ako!"
"Mims please. Hayaan natin sila mag-usap ng girlfriend nya".
"We didn't talk eh. Something came up. Balitaan nalang kita". Sent it to Guy Friend.
I lost my senses during that talk. I did not know what to do, what to think, what to say. I sent text messages to some friends telling them of what just happened to us.
When I finally regained 'consciousness', I looked at Ken and smiled at him. Being my perky self, I reached my right hand to his and said, "Hi, I'm Mims. What's your name?". Schizo, I know. But I felt like the "break up talk" never happened and that I was just probably hallucinating.
He started crying when I did this. He held my hand, squeezed it so tight with his sweaty palms. I was trying to pull out my hand. But he wasn't letting me go. I got the brownies I baked, put it in my back so he wouldn't see and told him, "I have something for you... Brownies!" Just like the old days when we talk after a petty fight. "i want you to take a bite, I baked that myself. It's special".
"I'll eat it later", his eyes watery, voice trembling.
"No, I wanna see you grab a bite now"
He took a piece, put it in his mouth, his tears started to fall. I handed him a tissue and he wiped off his tears.
I was just looking at him. Smiling.
He faced me and pulled me towards him and whispered, "Gusto kita yakapin, Mims". And being my usual self when Ken does that, I said "I don't like, dami tao. Hehehe".
I asked him if he wanted to go home already, he said "yes, i better go na". I wanted to walk with him but the mrt station was a bit too far so I decided not to. It's just too far. Before we parted, he told me, "I'll miss you, Mims".
"Ha? Bakit? San ba ko pupunta?"
"You know what I mean. I'll really miss you."
"Ha? Para naman hindi mo na ko makikita"
Laughs. Laughs. Looking at each other's eyes.
"When can I see you again, Ken?", I asked.
"Depends when you want to see me".
"Can we still watch movies together?"
"Sure."
"Ok, you better go na. Bye."
We hugged each other so tight. Ken hugged me for almost 10 to 15 seconds.. kind of like the last hug he'd ever give me. I pointed my right cheek and he kissed me. He said goodbye. I went back to Starbucks to wait for my mum. No more looking at each other from afar. No more waving of goodbyes. And most of all, no more blowing of i love yous in the air.
He's happy right now, I know. And i'm left alone and cold.
posted by Mimmy Choo at 7:26 PM
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