Snoop Dogg

So I just found out that Ken and The Girl were cheating on me a month before Ken broke up with me. Haha! How come I don't feel sad nor affected anymore? In fact, I just feel so thankful I got out of that mess.

And they're even filtering us in their LJs. I don't get that. That's so high school. If they don't want us to know about their dramas in life, suggest they make a new blog. And make sure they have no other friends but themselves. They're funny.

What goes around comes around. Just like what I said to a friend, they started their relationship at the wrong foot. They started it with lies. If it won't end up with lies... it will be full of lies. And if we were the ones miserable when the breakup thing happened, they'd be the ones more miserable when it comes to the point that their relationship is not 'workable' anymore but they're struggling to save it. Just to show people that they made the right decision. That's even harder. And besides, we're young, we're only 21. There's a lot more to come our way. I am a firm believer in karma. Their time will come. I'm so sure it will come. And I'll just leave that to Him. :-)

I'm just happy and so thankful that I wasn't the asshole nor the bitch in the relationship. No offense to the assholes and bitches... but that's the only perfect word to describe 'it'.

So I was asking, 'how come they could do this to people who've been really genuinely nice to them (ahem ahem)?' :-D. I got a good insight from my LSFM friend. He said that bad people do the worst things to nice people because the bad people will always think that the nice people will always understand. And then, I just realized... I'm not a nice person after all. But I'm not a bad person either. Hahahah!

Oh, and if you're asking why 'Ken', it's just that... I don't feel like using his real name. It's worth forgetting. Haha!

Honestly... Weird, at such an early stage, I just feel so better without him.

Why Snoop Dogg you ask? Couldn't think of a good title. I'm just listening to his song right now..

You are listening...

This WAS my song for Ken*

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but you lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending


-----------------

This IS my song for Ken*:

No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

-----------------

And I wish this WILL BE my song for Ken*:

You bored me with your stories
I can't believe that I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy it's over, I'm only sorry
That I didn't make the move before you

And when you go I will remember
To send a thank you note to that girl
I see she's holding you so tender
Well I just wanna say

I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away

-----------------

Haha!! *claps*

Oh, a song for Her? Nada.

hmmm...

I'm getting tired of thinking about these things. Haha!

I'm sure, months or probably a year from now, when I read my previous entries, I'll just laugh. Hahaha!

It's crazy. Hahahah!!!

I've made an entry for them. All things that I wanna say to them... but it's better left unsaid. Hahahaha!!!

I'm getting better and better-er! Haha! Thanks to a lot of people who said and believed I'm strong.

My fave message: "just stay strong mimai! i know youre a rock! you rock mimai, you rock!"

Hahaha!!! Thank God for them. I love the people.

Closer

Thanks for this, Guy Friend.

(Closer)
ALICE: I'm going.
DAN: I'm sorry.
ALICE: Irrelevant. What are you sorry for?
DAN: Everything.
ALICE: Why didn't you tell me before?
DAN: Cowardice.
ALICE: Is it because she's successful?
DAN: No, it's because she doesn't need me.
ALICE: Did you bring her here?
DAN: Yes.
ALICE: Didn't she get married?
DAN: She stopped seeing me.
ALICE: Was that when we went to the country to celebrate our third anniversary?ALICE: Did you phone her, beg her to come back? when you went for lovely walks?
DAN: Yes.
ALICE: You're a piece of shit.
DAN: Deception is brutal. I'm not pretending otherwise.
ALICE: How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?
Dan tries to think of an excuse.
ALICE: Not good enough.
DAN: I fell in love with her, Alice.
ALICE: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it." And I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

----------------------------------------

Don't BS me as if you had no choice.

Random Thoughts

Please don't take my thoughts against me... It's the only way I can release the anger in my heart. I don't really mean these things, I'm just mad... or not.

I have a 'John Tucker Must Die' pic in my cubicle. I wish I could put your picture, instead, and change the title to 'Ken F*cker Must Die'.

In the end, your friends will ALWAYS be there for you but your boyfriends or girlfriends will not.

Once a cheat, always a cheat. "I love you so much", "I want this to last", "You're the only guy/girl that makes me happy", "You're the only one who understands me", "I want us to be happy", etc... When s/he tells you that, you get kilig. Hell, that's bullshit, s/he told us the same things.

When posting an entry in your blog and you want us to read it, don't filter us. Don't pretend as if you're fighting and standing up for it. Have the guts to show it to us.

Don't be mad at the both of you? You're kidding, aren't you?

Nambu-bullshit na naman kayo na you need space, distance, etc.. Nagmamalinis pa eh. In the end, magiging kayo rin naman. For all we know kayo na talaga! Enough drama.

This is an early morning tangina.

Happiness

Right now, what keeps me happy are:

1. God and prayers

2. Mum's never-ending words of wisdom and support

3. Overwhelming and flooding messages of love and support from my true friends (Org friends, Blockmates, HS superfriends, officemates, LSFM friends, LS friends) and family (aunts, uncles, brother, cousins, etc)

4. Dinners, prods and get-togethers

5. Sex & the City

6. Chocolates

7. Shopping and buying gifts for myself

8. The pictures of Jesse Metcalfe, Leo DiCaprio and Matt Damon in my cubicle

9. Blog

10. My cute pamangkin Juancho

Firsts

When you were a child up to probably now that you are reading this, there were lots of "first talks". At home, in school, out with friends, etc. You talk about your first walk, first word, first haircut, first step. You talk about the first computer, the first people on earth, first day of creation.You talk about your first crush, first date, first kiss... the list goes on. Aftert thinking about these things, how come we never talked about the first time we had our hearts broken? And how should we deal with it?

The first heartbreak, I believe, is so painful to the point that you would want to rather die than feel it. Especially if the people who did this to you were the ones you TRUSTED the most and the least likely to do such things. There are different degrees of pain. Mine probably weighs more on BETRAYAL. I wish I could tell more about the feeling but I am also a first-timer in this field.

It's really painful. I can't even believe that these people, with the kindness they've shown us before, are capable of doing things that would really cause so much pain to the people they once 'loved'... That is, unless, they were born with a 'me-first' attitude. They're so selfish that they wouldn't even bother if they could hurt people who've shown good things, and i mean GENUINELY good things, to them in the past. All they could care for are themselves. Their own happiness. Nothing more. They're just so plain fuckin' selfish. They probably live by these words, "i love ME and I would do anything to make ME/MYSELF happy". Don't get me wrong. It's not bad to make yourself happy. In fact that's healthy... but not at the expense of others!

Fine I have to congratulate them for taking risks. To quote Thomas Edison: "The three great essentials to achieving anything worthwhile are; first, hard work, second, stick-to-it-iveness, and third, common sense." First, they worked hard not to stay apart because they were falling inlove with each other while still attached to their girlfriend / boyfriend. Second, they stuck to it - even if they knew it was so damn wrong and they could hurt people so badly. Third, they just used their common sense when they confessed to us about it and believed they did the right thing and we could easily be friends with them again. Selfishness in risk taking at its finest!

Firsts can be full of bullshit and fucked up moments. But it is with these firsts that make you a better, stronger, wiser person. In the end, you'd still have to thank the people who gave you your firsts. Thank them. Who knows? You might be miserable now because of what they did to you but don't let go of the fact that they might be the ones miserable in the end.

So when I think about my past with Ken - our first raket, our first alone time, our first dinner, our first movie, our first hug, our first 'i love you', our first out-of-town trip, our first fight, our first makeup, and a lot of other firsts... All of these only lead to my first heartbreak.

Of thoughts and G4...

November 5. Sunday.

Woke up early since I had to go to the office to work overtime. Still couldn't take the betrayal I felt, so I told my mum the truth. We had a mother-daughter talk and it made me a whole lot better. Iba talaga pag galing sa mummy mo. One thing I admired the most about her was that no matter how hurt I was, she didn't speak ill about Ken. But she was thankful we didn't last. Somehow, she felt this would happen.

When Ken and I were still together, my mum was very supportive of our relationship. She would wait for me whenever I was having dinner with Ken; she would give me advance screening and premiere tickets for two so Ken and I could watch it; she would even give me GCs to restos and coffee shops so Ken and I could save a bit on our dates; she would even include Ken in all of her plans for me. Ken could even replace my older brother in our family. But a week before the breakup happened, my mum wanted to talk to me and ask me if I would want to reassess my relationship with Ken. Mother's instict, I suppose. She said she saw a lot of 'bad signs'. But she wasn't able to talk to me since I was always with my younger bro.

************
But her words really touched me. It made me strong. It made me realize a lot of things. it made me thankful that we didn't last long. But of course, I knew this would not end in a snap. Somehow, I still loved Ken. And we shared a lot of things - good and bad - together.

I went to the office and again, my cuss words easily enveloped the entire floor. No matter how much I think of our good days together, the picture of them magkaakbay in Gateway simply made everything useless and crappy. I couldn't believe how two of the people i TRUSTED the most could do this to me! to us! Guy Friend and me! I was starting to patronize Austin 3:16! My sentences wouldn't end without "putangina" in it. If you were to charge me for a peso per cuss word, you'd probably be richer than Bill Gates by now. They were so fuckin' fake! As in putanginang fake! They deserve to be shot. To be hung. To be eaten alive by crocodiles and lions and the great whites. Dammit!

I went to G4 after to get a haircut. I saw Maryo at Fix. Naturally, since my heart was full of hatred and angst, I said everything to Maryo. His reactions were the normal "tangina" and "u-lul" with his kinda-husky-but-not-so voice. Before he left, he told me he'd call me again so we could talk more. And then, he left. Some 2 minutes passed, my cellphone was ringing and I saw Maryo calling. Answered it and the moment after I said "hello?", he was whispering, "Mims, tangina... I saw Ken just now. May hinihintay sa movie house. Nag-hi lang ako". Ok, appreciate that he told me. Forgot it was a Sunday, his family day. And I couldn't care less. But I wanted to see him. Just to know how would I react in such situations. I might look at him, concentrate and wait til his body turns into dust or whatever.

Surprise Surprise

November 4.

Saturday afternoon. We had a family reunion. My mum's entire clan was there and yes, i told them about the breakup. I didn't say the reason why, though. Somehow, I still wanted my family and relatives to like Ken. And to always remember him as the bf who took care of me and did his best to save the relationship. I told them we broke up because of irreconcilable differences and it was a mutual decision.

But of course, I told my friends the truth.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I went to LS for my boardwork. JB and Hans were inside the booth. JB was on board and I broke it off to them, told them the truth. JB and Hans let me lash out. And then JB told me this - Monday afternoon, she was with Novie at Gateway. They saw Ken with Her! Ken was nakaakbay! Ken saw them and said "hi". JB swore she couldn't forget the look on Ken's face when he saw them.
Novie: "Oh my gad, wala na ba sila ni mims?"
JB: "Hindi, baka naman kapatid lang yun."

They did text me that day but they didn't know what and how to break it to me. They instead said JB was planning an EK getaway. I really appreciated this. I really did. Very much appreciated.

************

Again, the succeeding statements contain explicit cussing and damning...

Dammit!!!! Putanginang betrayal ang nafeel ko! I couldn't believe how they could stomach that!!!!! Putangina talaga!!! To think Ken was still with me and She was still with Guy Friend! I trusted Ken so much as in too fuckin much!!! And to be fuckin fair to him, I also trusted the Girl too much. Putangina talaga! Magkaakbay pa! tangina! sana man lang hinintay na makipag break bago maglandian di ba? Putanginang betrayal yan!!! It's something I can forgive but I can never forget. Then again, how can I forgive if I don't forget? Tangina lang! Bastusan grabe.

Grabe ginawa nila sa min ni Guy Friend. Tang ina ano ginawa namin to deserve that? And it's a Monday afternoon!!!! Meaning, hindi sila pumasok sa office para lang makapag-date? Putangina! And Gateway? When Ken and I were still together, I always made sure na convenient sa kanya lahat ng pupuntahan namin! Tangina! Fine, I had always insisted that kasi convenience nya yung nasa top ng mind ko. Tangina talagaaaa!! If cuss words could kill nasa hell na yung souls nila tangina!!!!

To my friends who would be reading this, I apologize for my language. i just couldn't help it. Crying is not even enough. ang hirap itago ng galit sa ganitong sitwasyon. Mamamatay ako pag hindi ko to malalabas. Sobrang sakit. Of all people why did it have to be them? And again, don't ever bring up the "choice" bullshit! They had a fuckin choice and they chose to fuckin cheat on me and Guy Friend.

************

LS was filled with negative energy. I wanted to apologize to Hans and JB, and two members of Aircheck batch '06 because LS became a war zone that night. I was screaming whenever we were off air.

Good thing I was able to control myself when it was my time to board. I kept my composure. I didn't want this to affect my boardwork. But I still was able to lash it out on air using my sweet, but this time sarcastic, mimai voice. I had an anger stretch and played Irreplaceable; I'm Not Missing You; Fidelity; Unfaithful; and So Sick with adlibs so sarcastic a lot of texters asked if I was mad or something.

I know there will be a lot more to come. Worse than what I've just heard. Surprises are just about to come. And I pray that I stay strong.

Last Resort

It finally hit me. Once a man cheats on you, he is perfectly capable of doing it again.

That was when I decided I would let Ken go. But because I still love him, I just couldn't let him go that easily.

So again, enter cellphone...

"Hi Ken, how are you? I need closure. I don't want this to stay in my mind for a long time. And I don't wanna stay mad at you or Her anymore. I'm going to make my final decision and I need you to help me on this. hope we can talk asap. Thanks"

"I want us to be ok mims. I know it'll take a long time pero I'll do what I can to make it happen." (Yeah right)

"Define 'ok' Ken".

"Na hindi ka na galit sa kin" (My gad! Is that possible?!?!?!)

"And do you have any idea what you need to go through to achieve that?"

Reply goes something like.. "I don't know but i'll try my best".

"Good luck. i hope so too. :-) but one last question Ken. hope you'll answer it with a yes or no only. Are you still willing to work this out? I mean, can we still be together?"

"To be honest mims, no, i don'th think we can" (Ouch!)

"Ok thanks. Appreciate your honesty. Another thing. Do you love her?"

"Yes i do" (Double Ouch!) .... "I'm really sorry mims, i just want to be honest. I don't want to continue hurting you" (Fine, appreciate the honesty. At least he had the balls to tell me the truth. Truth really does hurt. I'm still mad though. Mad that I still love him at this point but he doesn't love me anymore. It's unfair. In the end, it all boils down to the choice)

"Ok. Since when?"

"I don't remember. Basta when we really got to talking. I realized it. And sobrang di ko kaya maging sa isang relationship knowing i have feelings for someone else. It's unfair" (Of course it's unfair dammit! again, if you only chose to stay away then it wouldn't come to this. That means ginusto mo! Sino niloko mo?)

"Do you have plans of being with her?"

"Maybe.. yes. I don't want to think of the future yet. I just want to distance myself from a lot of things for a while"

"Ok. I knew this was coming. Do you think I should've done something before to stop it?

"Was there anything you or I could do? I don't really know. Let's not think of the past. Basta mims, one of my biggest regrets is having to hurt you for the truth".

"My biggest regret is trusting you too much. And her. Alam mo ok lang naman sa kin eh. I just don't understand why it had to be you and her"

"Same. I ask that to myself" (it's because you CHOSE to fall in frickin love with her dammit! Damn those choices!)

"Ok. That's just what I needed. I don't think we'll meet up again. And thanks for being Ken. Thanks for giving me both happy and unhappy moments. I did and gave my best. I just wish you well in everything you do. And I pray that you be happy. Thanks again for the memories. You taught me how to love and lost. I know I'll be a better person. And i know God has a much better plan for the both of us. It was really nice knowing you, Ken. Good bye."

"If ever you need a friend mims. I'm always here. i'll listen, to all the Pfizer moments, family stuff.. Anything. I'm glad God let me meet you because you taught me a lot rin. I just don't want to see our friendship go to waste".

"Thanks Ken but I've just realized i have lots of friends. Guess this is goodbye. :-)"

"hope we can say hello again as friends mims" (yah, maybe in your dreams)

And so i deleted his number. Good thing i didn't know his number by heart. Very good thing.

Can you even imagine the pain I endured while talking to him about this? I was crying the whole time and I wanted to die so as not to feel that pain. Especially the moment when he said "Yes.. I do". And to think I still love him. But he doesn't love me anymore. he loves someone else.

And I've decided to close a chapter in my life. No more turning back.

Anger

During the cold night, it was then that it finally sunk in and I realized that Ken broke up with me.

I got my cellphone and started to to text him.

"Ken you know what? Ngayon lang nagsi-sink in sa kin. I'm sure you know how fickle minded I am. I really dunno if I can still be friends with you. I know by now you're already updating each other that you already told me about your budding romance. I don't think I'l be happy knowing that. You hurt me so much Ken. Of all the people why ikaw pa. Pero right now, I don't want to know you anymore. I can't say that I'll be happy for the both of you coz right now, you're two of my ultimately most hated persons. but who knows? i might wish you well later in life. I have deleted her number and changed your name in my cellphone. Still, I thank you for everything. I've learned a lot from you. You're one of the people I really admire. Sorry for everything that I did to make you sad and mad. I just want to say this for the last time, I love you Ken. I'll just wish it would last"

Since I chose to forget everything, he replied something like "Sorry, I know I'm an asshole".

"Yes Ken you are an asshole. You really hurt me. ... You are the person I admire the most and yet you are my biggest disappointment. You're probably my karma for whatever that I did NOT do. I just hope you'll never find yours"

"Please don't think this is karma"

"Yes it is. I had a lot to say to you kanina but I opted not dahil I was expecting this. Sana nahiya kayo sa boyfriend and girlfriend ng isa't isa bago kayo nag-aminan dahil sobrang sama nyo. Grabe kayo. Ako never ko naisip na ma-i-inlove ako kay Guy Friend, sa bestfriend mo. Or sa ibang tao for that matter. Katangahan ko lang nagfocus ako masyado sa yo. Now i know how stupid I really am. Good thing ito yung reason. Thank you forgettable to. You're a fraud. Sana ako na yung last person na maganito mo. Thanks."

No replies. I wasn't satisfied.

"I appreciate everything you did Ken. And I wish I could keep it forever. Funny, kasabay natin si Reese and Ryan Philippe. And you just did a Chad Michael Murray. Thank you coz I know this will bring out the best in me. I will be a better, stronger and more beautiful person. But i will never ever look for a Chad nor a Ryan and even a Ken anymore"

"Blah blah blah.. I don't regret anything in this relationship."

"Sorry Ken pero ako I have. I deeply regret that day that I knew you. But i know this experience will make me a better and wiser person. And I also really hope and wish we'll be ok in the future. But I dunno if I can give you and myself that. Thanks."

He replied. Message was something nice.

"Last one. Just one huge favor. Please don't act as if you're too nice or whatever. you're sending the wrong signals eh. You're acting as if we can still work this out.Thanks Ken Good night. Hope you'll have a good night's sleep after what you did to your bestfriend and your girlfriend. I wish you well.'

Can anyone blame me for having said all of these to him? I was so furious! I was enraged! I did not do anything to deserve this!

I have to warn you that the succeeding statements contain explicit damning, cussing, swearing. Would just like to say that this is not me. I am usually a happy person. It's just a part of me. A raging mims that has just been unleashed.

He even told me "if i had a choice, i wouldn't do this".
And I said "What? You ALWAYS have a choice! That's what you told me! You always have a choice in everything you do!"

He even said we can't choose who to love. putanginang ka-bullshit-an yan! Kung nung mga time na may nafeefeel ka na para dun sa girlfriend ng bestfriend mo, kung matino kang tao, ikaw yung didistansha! Tangina BESTFRIEND mo yun! You HAD a fuckin' CHOICE!!

When I got into this relationship with Ken, I had a super crush back then who kept on calling and messaging me. Ken told me nagseselos sya dun sa guy. I was assuring him na wala na yun which is so fuckin true dahil wala na talaga akong crush dun. Because i'm completely satisfied with Ken! We even fought about it nung kasabay ko sila naka-YM. Putangina ano ginawa ko? Tangina ako lumayo! I didn't fuckin care kung magfall apart yung friendship namin nung guy pero lumayo ako dahil lang sa putanginang ayaw ng Ken na yan na makipag-usap ako sa kanya! I had a fucking CHOICE! I chose ken over my crush! Tangina tapos ako binu-bullshit nya ngayon na wala syang choice? Putanginang ka-bullshit-an yan! Bullshit amputah! Bullshit! Tang ina! Nung moment na may ne-feel ka, tang ina, dapat lumayo ka na di ba? Choice yun eh. Tang ina di ba? The whole time I was with Ken, i'm confident that i never had a crush on anyone else. Mali pala yun!

Now tell me. Do I fuckin deserve this? DO I FUCKIN DESERVE THIS!?!?!? I admit, I'm mad at them pero I dunno, hindi ko makuhang magalit dun sa girl kasi SIYA yun eh. PUTANGINA LANG TALAGA!

Hinga muna tayo. Disclaimer: This is not Ken Pagal ha. :-)

Cold

November 3. Friday night. Starbucks. My bf (now ex), Ken* broke up with me.

The Early Signs.

Ken was cold a week before. He was not sending me text messages anymore. He ended our conversations abruptly. He wasn't saying "i love you" anymore. It was during our org's Halloween Party at a friend's place that I felt there was something really bothering him.

We didn't go to the party together. I got there first. When he finally came, i hugged him so tight. He hugged me back. He sat on the sofa and made chit-chats with our friends. I sat beside him asking him if he wanted anything. All this time, he kept ignoring me. I took pictures of us together but he didn't look at the camera. He stayed away from me as much as possible. But he hugged me before we went home, separately. Still, no 'i love yous'.

The next day, being my sweet and perky self, I greeted him through text. His replies were one-word answers. I asked him why was he so cold. He said he was probably just busy and stressed.
"Don't stress yourself too much ha. That's what you always tell me. :-)", I said.
"I will. Thanks mims", he replied.
"I wanna say something pa! ikaw may sasabihin ka pa ba?", i asked.
"wala na. Ano yun?", he replied.
Saddened by his reply, i just typed: "ok... I love you, ___"

The Week After.

Monday, October 30. It was raining. My mum didn't go to the office so I took the LRT on the way to work. I slipped and fell off the LRT stairs and thought I broke my spine. Haha! But i was suffering from extreme low back pain. Still no text messages from him. I tried my best not to text him because I was giving him time alone. Finally, he did text in the afternoon: " kamusta ka na, mims? busy?". I just told him about the accident and he told me to always be careful and take care of myself. Conversation ended. Still, no i love yous.

That night, he sent me another message again. Message of concerns that I should be careful, text him when i get home, etc. Then later in the evening, he told me thru text: "We need to talk."

Of all the people.

November 3. Friday. Starbucks.

I saw Ken and kissed him on his left cheek. I gave him brownies, which i baked, as my peace offering. He put it in the table and said "Thanks". (This has been my practice - giving him peace offerings; chocolates, yema; choc nut, etc. - everytime we're working out our differences). But I thought this night would be special, that's why I even baked brownies for him.

He asked me what i wanted to tell him. and that I should tell everything. Below is our conversation (as far as I can remember):

ME: Wala lang. Everytime we're trying to work things out, nag-aaway pa rin tayo. hindi ko alam kung ano yung problema.
Ken: Anu pa?
M: (had a feeling he was gonna break up with me) wala na, yun lang.
K: I'm not ready for this. Can we talk tomorrow?
M: No, gusto ko ngayon na.
K: I wrote everything I wanted to say in a letter. (Handed me the letter).
M: (Letter was 2 pages long, single spaced. I was scanning it fast and was trying to look for a sentence which says he wanted to break up with me).
K: Mims, please read from the start.

Ken said in his letter that he would always remember and cherish the moments that we shared. He enjoyed every single moment he spent with me. He hated cheating while in a relationship. (I couldn't remember a lot of what he had written since I chose to forget all of it).

When I reached the second paragraph, all I could remember were these statements:
"I don't see us working out in the future"
"It's just that I don't love you anymore"
"I fell in love with someone else"

I stopped reading and gave back to him the letter.

On the side: The Hunch

Before Ken and I talked that night, Guy Friend (the bestfriend of Ken), who was in Iloilo during this time, was seeking my advice since he was having problems with his girlfriend. Timely, my Ken and I were also having problems.

Guy Friend confided that he was having trouble sleeping for the past week. He then admitted that his girlfriend told him she's in love with somebody else. Somehow, I felt She might be inlove with Ken. But I disregarded it since She is a good friend of mine and Ken is the bestfriend of Guy Friend.

Guy Friend and I exchanged text messages of support during this rough period of time.

Of all the people. (Cont...)

ME: Si (Guy Friend's girlfriend) yan no?
KEN: Quiet
M: Si (Guy Friend's girlfriend) yan no?
K: yes

Ken "fell in love" with his bestfriend's girlfriend.

At that moment, it didn't sink in that Ken was breaking up with me because I was thinking of his bestfriend. I was thinking how could he do this to his bestfriend? They've been supportive of each other ever since college freshman years, probably since LPEP.

I couldn't remember if I cursed at him but I said "Gusto kong mamatay ka na ngayon!". I went ballistic, devastated of how Guy Friend would feel if he finds out that his bestfriend, Ken, just actually stabbed him in the back. I rummaged through my bag to get my cellphone, "I'm sorry Ken pero I have to do this. I'm gonna call your bestfriend now and tell him this."
"Mims, please don't do it."
"I have to! I really have to! do you have any idea kung ano pinagdadaanan nya ngayon? Ilang araw na kami magkatext dahil pino-problema nya to! Tapos ikaw ganyan ka? ang sama mo!"
"Mims please. Hayaan natin sila ang mag usap ni _____"

Funny. Guy Friend just sent a text message: "Mims, nag-usap na kayo ni Ken? Kinakabahan na ko."

I showed his text message to Ken, "Oh, ayan ang bestfriend mo. Ano isasagot ko?"
"Wag ka nalang magreply, please,"
"Hindi ako ganun! Pag may nagtetext sa kin, nagrereply ako!"
"Mims please. Hayaan natin sila mag-usap ng girlfriend nya".

"We didn't talk eh. Something came up. Balitaan nalang kita". Sent it to Guy Friend.

I lost my senses during that talk. I did not know what to do, what to think, what to say. I sent text messages to some friends telling them of what just happened to us.

When I finally regained 'consciousness', I looked at Ken and smiled at him. Being my perky self, I reached my right hand to his and said, "Hi, I'm Mims. What's your name?". Schizo, I know. But I felt like the "break up talk" never happened and that I was just probably hallucinating.

He started crying when I did this. He held my hand, squeezed it so tight with his sweaty palms. I was trying to pull out my hand. But he wasn't letting me go. I got the brownies I baked, put it in my back so he wouldn't see and told him, "I have something for you... Brownies!" Just like the old days when we talk after a petty fight. "i want you to take a bite, I baked that myself. It's special".
"I'll eat it later", his eyes watery, voice trembling.
"No, I wanna see you grab a bite now"

He took a piece, put it in his mouth, his tears started to fall. I handed him a tissue and he wiped off his tears.

I was just looking at him. Smiling.

He faced me and pulled me towards him and whispered, "Gusto kita yakapin, Mims". And being my usual self when Ken does that, I said "I don't like, dami tao. Hehehe".

I asked him if he wanted to go home already, he said "yes, i better go na". I wanted to walk with him but the mrt station was a bit too far so I decided not to. It's just too far. Before we parted, he told me, "I'll miss you, Mims".
"Ha? Bakit? San ba ko pupunta?"
"You know what I mean. I'll really miss you."
"Ha? Para naman hindi mo na ko makikita"

Laughs. Laughs. Looking at each other's eyes.

"When can I see you again, Ken?", I asked.
"Depends when you want to see me".
"Can we still watch movies together?"
"Sure."
"Ok, you better go na. Bye."

We hugged each other so tight. Ken hugged me for almost 10 to 15 seconds.. kind of like the last hug he'd ever give me. I pointed my right cheek and he kissed me. He said goodbye. I went back to Starbucks to wait for my mum. No more looking at each other from afar. No more waving of goodbyes. And most of all, no more blowing of i love yous in the air.

He's happy right now, I know. And i'm left alone and cold.